Gaara Discovers Easter
by Dilly-Oh
Summary: Uhoh! Tragedy strikes the Sand Siblings as Kankuro get injured and cannot perform his duties as the Easter Bunny! Now Gaara must take his place and hand out candy to the children! Will he survive this horrible excursion or be ripped apart? Review, please!


Author's Note: Yep, here's the newest one. I'm not too sure what I'll do next (I've gotten a few suggestions I like, and plan on writing them, I just don't know when I'll have the time). Anyway, I hope you like it! And Happy Easter (or Merry or whatever you're supposed to say)! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

Gaara Discovers Easter

It was Easter.

And no, once again, Gaara _didn't_ know about it.

You'd think that after quite a few nasty surprises he'd get it in his spiky head to mark the upcoming holidays and whatnot on a calendar or something, but poor little Gaara just had no idea that there were so many holidays that took place every year. Hopefully he'd realize soon just how screwed, I mean _fortunate_ he was, as there were plenty more on the way that he was very, very unaware of. Like right now, for instance.

It was late. Not late like nine or ten o'clock late, but 'Gaara' late, which meant nearer to two or three in the morning. Or is that considered early? Anyway, Gaara was trudging up the narrow path to his house after a long, peaceful walk in the desert. With no wind blowing and the shining moon to guide him, Gaara thought he might actually have heard the stars singing high up above him, so serene it had been.

Just as Gaara reached the front door and went for the handle, a flicker of movement caught his eye. Cocking his head back, Gaara's brow furrowed as he stared up at the rooftop. He was sure he'd seen something up there…but it was too dark to tell. What could it have been? A bird, perhaps? Or one of the neighbor's cats? The feline bandits had indeed climbed onto their roof several times before, much to Kankuro's chagrin as he was the one who usually had to go up and fetch down the hissing, scratching hell-cat with its razor sharp claws and needle-like teeth. Which didn't really make much sense since he always wore his cat-like pointed hat during the excursions. Or perhaps it made _perfect_ sense.

Wait…feline bandits…bandit! A thief! It could be a thief up on the roof! Gaara scowled. No, worse. It could be an assassin. Even though his bastard father had met his end (let his soul burn in the seven fiery pits of hell for all eternity, and then some), Gaara didn't put it past him to hire assassins for future work as well. This could be a problem. But not one he couldn't handle.

Gaara paused. Perhaps he was getting a bit carried away. Sure, he _had_ been watching a bit too many of those new cop drama's on the television, including 24 with Keifer Sutherland. His paranoia could have easily been caused by them. Maybe it _was_ just a cat up there, minding its own business, not bothering anyone…

A muffled thud sounded from up above, followed by a few whispered curse words.

"Alright, that's it." Gaara thought. "You're _so_ dead."

Not making a sound, Gaara easily leapt the two stories to the roof and quickly crouched in a defensive position, ears and eyes open. There, in front of him. A shadowed figure was definitely moving. It had reached the skylight and was just squeezing inside, its misshapen bulk making it hard to fit through the small opening. It managed somehow, and fell inside with a thump.

It was inside.

Gaara quickly scuttled after it, catching the window before it snapped closed and slipping in silently after. He landed noiselessly and readied himself. The figure, now revealed by the soft light coming from the illuminated hallway through the open door, turned out to be a disturbingly innocent visage that sickened Gaara to the core.

The intruder was dressed in a fluffy, pink bunny suit.

Gaara felt his gorge rise but forced himself not to vomit.

"Be strong," he told himself, glaring at the back of the rabbit, who still hadn't noticed him. Good. A sneak attack would be best.

The rabbit dropped a large bundle it had been carrying and began rifling through it, oblivious. Now was the time to strike.

"Die, terrorist!" Gaara shouted, his sand moving like lightening. The intruder whirled around and managed a squeal of protest before the sand swallowed him.

"What's all the noise…" Temari poked her head into the room, sleepy expression quickly changing to one of shock and aghast. "Oh, God! Gaara, stop! That's Kankuro!"

"Huh?" Gaara blinked, looked up, looked back at the flailing bunny struggling in his sea of sand, and looked back at Temari. "…What?"

"STOP!" Temari jumped at Gaara, bowling him over and causing him to lose concentration of his sand cloud. It dispersed from around the figure, pooling to the ground limply. Gaara sat up, dazed and confused. Temari tugged on his arm to get his attention and pointed. "Look, Gaara."

The head of the bunny suit had slipped off during the assault, and Kankuro's unconscious face was now revealed.

"Oh." Gaara gulped. "Whoops."

---

"No more 24," Temari said firmly, handing the now cognizant Kankuro an icepack from the freezer. He winced as he took it and placed it on the large swelling bruise above his eye, whimpering in pain when the cold ice made contact.

"But…!" Gaara began weakly.

"No buts." Temari raised an eyebrow. "That Sutherland is a bad influence. Plus that show is _way_ to violent for you."

"Tell me about it…" Kankuro grumbled unhappily. Getting assaulted while coming home from a long trip to several different shops certainly didn't top his list of things he wanted done to him.

"And _you_," Temari said, rounding on her other brother. "What were you doing out so late, hmm? I oughta thank Gaara for catching you, or else you would have gotten away with it!" Kankuro cleared his throat and looked away nervously.

"I…I wasn't doing anything!"

"Oh, yeah?" Temari held up the large bag Kankuro had been looking through before Gaara had attacked him. "Let's just peek inside, why don't we?"

"Ah! W-wait!" Kankuro gasped. Too late. Temari had jerked the bag open and seen the contents. She scowled and looked up at her brother.

"…It's full of Easter candy," she stated.

"Yes," Kankuro admitted. "And I can totally explain how I got it."

"You stole it." Temari said bluntly. "You stole Easter candy."

"I didn't _steal_ it!" Kankuro hissed. "You know how I'm supposed to give out candy tomorrow, I mean today, technically, but…I ate all of the stuff given to me by the elders before I could stop myself! So…I just…went out and got more."

"You _stole_ it." Temari rolled her eyes. "I can't believe you. You must be the only person in the world who'd steal _candy_."

"For good reason!" Kankuro explained. "_Think_ of the children! It's for Easter!"

"…What's Easter?" Gaara's soft voice cut into the conversation, causing the two other siblings to blink and look at him in surprise. Temari shrugged and punched Kankuro's shoulder lightly, signaling for him to begin.

"Ow!" Kankuro rubbed his new bruise and shot a glare at his sister before turning to face Gaara. "Let's see…Easter is a holiday where kids and other people get lots of candy from the Easter Bunny and paint eggs and do other stuff for no apparent reason."

"Oh, Jesus…" Temari shook her head.

"Oh yeah, and him too!"

"So…" Gaara mulled this new information over, working it out. "So that's why you're dressed like a rabbit? You're supposed to be the Easter Bunny and give out candy on Easter?"

"Yes!" Kankuro grinned triumphantly. "Now do you see? I wasn't doing anything bad! All I did was take a little candy, for the _children_," here he shot Temari a look, which she ignored, "so I wouldn't get in trouble for eating all of the sweets that were given to me for today! I'm totally innocent!"

"Yeah, innocently _stupid_!" Temari interjected. "Think! Now that you're all busted up, who's going to fill in for you?"

"Uh…you?" Kankuro smiled at Temari and fluttered his eyelashes.

_Smack_!

"No way!" She snorted and crossed her arms. "If anyone should do it, it would be the person who got you into this mess! Meaning…"

The two siblings slowly moved their gaze until they fell upon a pale, red-headed young boy.

"Oh, _shit_." Gaara thought.

---

The streets of Konoha were thronged with people, mostly children all running around screaming with delight under large, colorful banners of eggs or bunnies. Small chicks chirped aloud, pecking at the ground while people cooed over how freaking adorable they were. Youngsters searched everywhere for painted eggs, peeking under porches and behind crevices. Several children laughed and pointed at the unfortunate soul clad in a floppy, pink bunny suit and clutching a large basketful of Easter candy, who was standing in the middle of the street trying to gather his courage.

"Alright. Let's just get this over with." Gaara sighed, adjusted his rabbit's head to make sure it was on straight, fiddled with its ears for a moment, and started toward the first person he saw. Choji sat on a bench nearby, munching on a snack and edging away from the small birds that were clustered at his feet, begging for morsels.

"Like _hell_ you're getting any," he grumbled to himself, licking off the cheesy powder from his fingers, then blinked in surprise as a large, pink Easter Bunny suddenly appeared before him, holding a large basket filled to the brim with delectable treat sensations.

"Happy Easter," Gaara said in a less-than-enthusiastic voice, and held out his basket. "Have some candy."

Choji's jaw fell open.

Gaara suddenly felt a premonition of doom.

"Ch…chocolate?" Choji's eyes widened, his eyes dilating and going blank, hair standing on end, sweat popping up from all the pores of his exposed skin.

Gaara slowly took a step backwards.

"_CHOOOOOOOOOOOCOLAAAAAAAATE_!" Choji threw himself forward with such force he shattered the bench he'd been sitting on, dispersing the birds like leaves to the wind. Gaara was just barely able to dodge the attack, and Choji went flying past him with such momentum he crashed into a wall. It crumbled like paper, and the plump genin slowly turned around, seemingly unaware of the surrounding demolition, his eyes glued to Gaara's basket of goodies. This did not bode well.

"Oh, boy." Gaara gulped and considered his options. First, he could throw the basket to the side and run for his life while Choji focused all his homicidal attention on the candy, but that wouldn't be fair for everyone else in the village who wanted some. Second, he could try to fight the maddened boy, perhaps beat some sense into him. However, one look at Choji's sugar-crazed face, and that idea went out the window. The only thing getting through to him would be a round-house punch to the head provided by Rock Lee, who at the moment was, of course, not there. Even _that_ may not have done it. Plus, there were too many people around. Someone could get hurt. And Gaara wouldn't let that happen.

Darn. Only one thing left to do.

_Run like hell._

Which Gaara did.

"_CHOOOOOOOOOOOCOLAAAATE_!" Choji bellowed, beating his chest like a wild gorilla and following in hot pursuit.

Gaara escaped, having lost his attacker somewhere in the many winding streets of the village. Doubled over and wheezing, Gaara desperately tried regaining his breath before straightening and taking a step forward.

"Uwaaaaah! _Easter_ Bunny! Gimme gimme!" Gaara had just enough time to turn and see Naruto Uzumaki come barreling full-speed toward him before he was tackled like a pro-football player and became acquainted with the ground.

"I'm _seriously_ going to kill him this time." Gaara thought evilly, his face smashed against the smelly inner confines of his mask.

"No, no, Naruto!" Rock Lee (_there_ he is!) chastised, seizing hold of the hyperactive monkey boy by the shoulders and peeling him off the prone sand sibling. Kneeling down, he helped the 'Easter Bunny' stand and gently brushed him off, handing him his basket of treats once he was sure he had recovered. Gaara felt quite grateful as Lee looked back at Naruto. "_This_ is how you tackle someone."

Gaara's whole body ached for a week.

"Oooh! Chocolate!" Sakura squealed happily and helped herself to the contents of Gaara's basket. He didn't even care enough to tell her it was all extremely fattening. "Sasuke! Do you want some?" She looked over her shoulder at the young Uchiha, who turned up his nose at her offering.

"If it can't kill my brother, then I don't want it."

"Geez, I think I'll hunt down his brother and kill him myself so he'll stop being such an ass." Gaara thought quietly before moving on.

Gaara stood silently before Shino, who stared back at him with equal detachment. Neither moved or made a sound. On a nearby bush, a cricket chirped, and a few streets over, a dog barked. Above them, a bird flew by, blotting out the shining sun for an instant before disappearing.

After several long minutes of this odd standoff, Gaara simply handed the mysterious genin a chocolate bunny and departed.

"…Thank you." Shino said quietly, unwrapping his treat. He loved chocolate. Not that he'd ever let anyone find out.

"Eh? Candy?" Shikamaru scowled and scratched his head, unsure. "It's a bit troublesome, but I guess so…" He took a handful and turned away.

"It'll be troublesome if you mess around with my sister," Gaara whispered threateningly after him.

"Oh, and I know it's you in there, Gaara."

Gaara flinched noticeably and grunted in shock. Crap. This was great.

"_CHOOOOOOOCOLAAAATE_!" Choji suddenly jumped down from the top of a nearby building, hitting the ground so hard it cracked under his weight.

_Yes_. Just what he needed to make this day even _more_ perfect.

"Can't you do anything about this?" Gaara asked desperately, backing away.

"Nope." Shikamaru was retreating also. "Who do you think I am, God?"

It took a bit longer this time, but Gaara was once again able to escape from the clutches of the rampaging Choji. Several sand-clones looking like Easter Bunnies were now running around Konoha, drawing the crazed boy's attention away while Gaara went about his business. After seeing what Choji did to one unfortunate clone that he'd managed to catch, Gaara knew he definitely didn't want the same happening to him. He very much liked his spine where it was, thank you.

"Hey, it's the Easter Bunny!" Kiba's eyes went wide, then narrowed just as quickly. "Akamaru, sic him! All that candy is _mine_!"

"Arf arf!" Akamaru shot obediently toward Gaara, who then and there made the decision that he hated Easter. Quite a lot.

"Oh, w-wow! The Easter B-Bunny!" Hinata blushed pink with delight, gazing up with a warm smile on her face. Gaara suddenly found it very hot and stuffy in his bunny suit. He quickly gave her almost half of the candy he had left and then took off before she asked who it was in the suit. If she ever found out, Gaara's life would be over.

"I don't like chocolate," Neji said coldly. "It gives me a rash."

Beside him, Ten-ten began giggling uncontrollably.

"_What_?!" Neji's head snapped to the side. "It's not funny, okay? I'm allergic!"

Ten-ten burst into all-out gales of laughter. Gaara was finding it tremendously hard not to join in. He saved himself by giving the bun-haired girl some treats before dashing away to chuckle alone.

_Squeeze_!

Gaara gasped in indignation and whirled around, clutching his violated bunny's tail. Ino stood behind him, a coy look on her grinning face.

Oh, _GOD_.

"Hey, handsome. How about taking off that mask and lettin' me see who's in there?"

"Uhh…" Gaara began sweating profusely, mind in a whirl as he thought of what to do.

"_CHOOOOOOOCOLAAAATE_!" Choji smashed his way through the street, throwing elderly and young people aside unheedingly, heading straight for Gaara and what was left of the goodies.

Gaara saw no alternative. He threw the basket with the last of the Easter candy at Ino and ran. He didn't stick around to see what would happen.

But he heard the stories.

The End

Author's Note: Whooo! Wow, that was sweet! It all came to me in one big gush of inspiration! And after so long, too! I'm glad! I swear, I just sat in front of my computer for a few hours and BAM! Stupid writing mojo, don't know when it'll kick up…grumble. Oh, well, I hope you all liked it! Ino will probably be in a body cast the next time you see her, huh? Read and review, please!


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